This is a picture of one of my recent wins on a slot machine. Do the math - this is a 1 cent machine. The total here is $1,756.55.
Do you have any idea what an adrenaline rush this is? Have you ever experienced a feeling of exhuberation that your heart races, and your face gets flushed? (Not counting the physiologic response to an orgasm, that is...) This is the feeling I get when I have one of these big wins. It's like nothing I can explain here.
Of course, these type of wins are not the norm. In fact, they are few and far between.
Monday night, on A&E I watched Intervention. A program about addict interventions. Ususally the subjects are substance abusers - you know, alcohol, heroin, cocaine... whatever- the usual. This week though, it was about gambling addicts.
They showcased 3 gambling addicts - all 3 women - which that alone, I found quite interesting.
As I watched their stories unfold, I was decidedly uncomfortable. Many of the things they said, and feelings they expressed, are things I could completely relate to. The fact that; for instance, when you're gambling, money has no value - it's just paper you put in a machine. The fact that when you're losing, you feel like you can't quit because you have to win back what you lost. The feeling of "what have done" when you're making that long drive home with no money in your pockets.
On the up side though, I did take comfort in the fact that, thankfully, I have not reached the depths these women have reached. One spent 4 years in jail for embezzling almost a million dollars from the church where she worked to gamble, and lose. Another almost lost her husband and new baby because she was never home with her infant, and instead stayed out all night every night playing poker. And a third woman - who - saddest of all, was from West Virginia, worked full time for $22,000 a year, was raising a 6 year old daughter, and left her child home each & every night with her live in boyfriend, so she could sit and play slot machines until every dollar, including the child support was gone. This woman filed bankruptcy, and after she was able to get credit cards again, she immediately ran them right up to their limits too. It was soberingly sad.
As I sat there contemplating my own gambling issues, I realized a few things. First, I don't think I have an addiction, in the truest sense of the word. That is to say that my bills get paid first, then I gamble. I don't borrow money to gamble, and I don't use credit cards to gamble. But I also don't have any extra money at the end of the month, when I really should have plenty - because I gamble with it.
I also realize that if I don't curb my urge to gamble, I could see myself losing control. It's that enticing to me.
Another realization is, MW is a total enabler. He, I feel, has a more serious addiction to gambling than he realizes. He, for instance, the moment he gets money in his hand, is at the casino, and even when he wins big, cannot leave with money in his pocket because he wants to win even bigger, so as a result loses everything, every time.
Gambling has become our entertainment of choice. We have come to the point where we don't find enjoyment in anything we once used to. It's all about going to the casino. And the funny part is, when we're at the casinos, (which is almost every day,) we are not together. He goes his way, and I go mine.
Therein lies the crux of the matter for me, I think.
I am not happy with MW any longer, and as such, I can't stand being with him, and I enjoy the gambling - it's a win/win for me. I get to do something I enjoy, and I get to not have to be around him. See my dilemna?
I need to rid myself of my bad habits. Some have a pulse, some don't.
